the offender

THE OFFENDER AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

WE HAVE ALL HEARD IT A MILLION TIMES: “IGNORANCE IS BLISS”. I FIND THE OLD CLICHÉ TO BE TRUE. FURTHERMORE, I BELIEVE THE SAME LOGIC WOULD SUPPORT THE IDEA THAT BEING SMART MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO BE HAPPY; INTELLIGENCE BEING AN OBSTACLE IN THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.

A BUS STOP NEAR MY OLD APARTMENT WAS FREQUENTLY VISITED BY A RETARDED GUY. A HAPPY RETARDED GUY. WHENEVER I HAD OCCASION TO WALK BY THE BUS STOP WHEN HE WAS AROUND, HE WOULD TRY TO ENGAGE ME IN CONVERSATION. NOT THAT THAT MADE ME UNIQUE, BUT MORE THAN ONCE HE STARTED WALKING BEHIND ME IN AN EFFORT TO REMAIN IN SOME SORT OF CONVERSATION ZONE.

ONE DAY ABOUT A YEAR AGO I WAS IN A PARTICULARLY SURLY MOOD. I WAS BECOMING STRESSED ABOUT THE USUAL MATTERS. THE THINGS OVER WHICH ONE HAS NO CONTROL; THE ROOT CAUSE OF THE MOST ANGST. THE MENTALLY DEFICIENT BUS STOP RESIDENT BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF MY FOUL MOOD HURRIED TO CATCH UP TO ME. HE WAS GIGGLING AS HE NEARED AND STARTED RAMBLING ABOUT “THE PRETTY LADY WITH THE PRETTY PANTS”. HE LAUGHED HARDER THEN REPEATED THE SAME PHRASE TO HIMSELF RESULTING IN MORE LAUGHTER. HE CERTAINLY SEEMED TO FIND HIMSELF ENTERTAINING. I TOOK NOTE OF JUST HOW PLEASED HE WAS WITH HIMSELF BEFORE LAUGHING MYSELF; IT WAS CONTAGIOUS.

THEN IT HIT ME: RETARDED BUS STOP GUY, YOU ARE A FUCKING GENIUS ! THE PRETTY LADY DOES HAVE PRETTY PANTS GODDAMMIT ! HERE I AM STRESSING OVER STUFF I CANNOT CONTROL… WELL NO MORE. THAT DAY I DECIDED: FROM NOW ON I WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT THE THINGS I CAN’T CHANGE, I WILL NOT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF, I WILL JUST LET GO . I WILL TAKE TIME TO STOP AND SMELL THE DISABLED WHEN I GREET EACH NEW DAY.

I BEGAN TO REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A DEPRESSED RETARD ? I HAVEN’T; I DON’T BELIEVE THEY EXIST. MAYBE A MELANCHOLY MOGOLOID ? NO ? MOROSE MORON ? DOWNS SYNDROME SUFFERER DOWN ? OF COURSE NOT.

I HAD AN EPIPHANY. WHAT I REALLY NEEDED WAS TO SOMEHOW BECOME STUPIDER. I DEVISED A PLAN. I WOULD START AN ALL OUT ASSAULT ON MY MIND. MY STRADEGY : TO DESTROY AS MANY BRAIN CELLS AS POSSIBLE IN AN EFFORT TO ACHIEVE A STATE OF BLISS. THE METHOD ? TO CONSUME COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF DAMAGING MIND NUMBING INTOXICANTS. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT “PARTYING” OR GETTING HIGH JUST FOR FUN. NO, I MEAN A SERIOUS COMMITMENT TO A STRICT REGIMEN WITH A SPECIFIC OUTCOME AS THE STATED GOAL. THIS IS SCIENCE IN ACTION, DAMNIT.

IF, BY CHANCE, THE ILLICIT NARCOTIC SUBSTANCES WERE TO RESULT IN A SENSE OF EUPHORIA OR ACCIDENTALLY PROVIDED SOME ENJOYMENT, WELL THOSE ARE JUST SOME UNFORTUNATE SIDE EFFECTS THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE ENDURED IN THE PURSUIT OF THE GREATER GOAL.

I WONDER HOW THE SCIENTIFIC ANGLE WOULD PLAY IN A COURT OF LAW …

JUDGE: “YOU HAVE AGAIN BEEN CHARGED WITH POSSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE. HOW DO YOU PLEAD?”

ATLARGE: “YOUR HONOR, IF IT PLEASES THE COURT, I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A STATEMENT.”

JUDGE: “DESPITE THE OBVIOUS DICOMFORT AND IMMINENT OBJECTION OF COUNSEL, I’LL ALLOW IT. PROCEED WITH CAUTION, DEFENDANT.”

ATLARGE: “THANK YOU. YOUR HONOR, ESTEEMED COUNSEL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…I HAVE APPEARED IN THIS VERY COURT FACING SIMILAR CHARGES IN THE PAST. I HAVE BEEN GUILTY OF THE CHARGES BROUGHT AGAINST ME AND PLED ACCORDINGLY. I ACCEPTED RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS AND PAID MY DEBT TO SOCIETY. THIS TIME AROUND THE SCENARIO IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. I AM NOT SURE IF THE CIRCUMSTANCES COULD BE CONSIDERED “MITIGATING”, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN NONETHELESS. THE DRUGS I AM CHARGED WITH POSSESSING WERE NOT INTENDED FOR SALE. NOR WERE THEY INTENDED FOR RECREATIONAL CONSUMPTION. THE DRUGS WERE TO SERVE A HIGHER PURPOSE. I HAD PLANNED TO FOLLOW SCIENTIFIC METHODOLOGY IN A GRAND EXPERIMENT TO PROVE THE THEORY THAT INTELLIGENCE ACTS AS AN IMPEDIMENT TO HAPPINESS. THE DRUGS WERE TO KILL BRAIN CELLS THEREBY ERODING NEUROTRANSMITTERS AND PATHWAYS RESULTING WITH IMPAIRED FUNCTIONALITY AND A DECREASE IN MEASURABLE INTELLIGENCE. ONCE THE CRITICAL AND ABSTRACT THOUGHT ARE IMPAIRED THE TENDENCY TO BE SELF ANALYTICAL AND TO OVERTHINK MATTERS SHOULD DISAPPEAR THUS INCREASING THE LIKELIHOOD OF HAPPINESS.”

JUDGE: “ARE YOU QUITE FINISHED?”

ATLARGE: “YES YOUR HONOR”

JUDGE: “IN ALL MY YEARS ON THE BENCH THAT IS POSSIBLY THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.”

ATLARGE: “OH MY GOD, THAT’S GREAT”

JUDGE: “'GREAT?' WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT IS ‘GREAT’?”

ATLARGE: “DON’T YOU SEE? IF THAT’S THE STUPIDEST THING YOU’VE EVER HEARD THEN MY PLAN MUST ALREADY BE STARTING TO WORK.”