the offender

THE OFFENDER AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

WE HAVE ALL HEARD IT A MILLION TIMES: “IGNORANCE IS BLISS”. I FIND THE OLD CLICHÉ TO BE TRUE. FURTHERMORE, I BELIEVE THE SAME LOGIC WOULD SUPPORT THE IDEA THAT BEING SMART MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO BE HAPPY; INTELLIGENCE BEING AN OBSTACLE IN THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.

A BUS STOP NEAR MY OLD APARTMENT WAS FREQUENTLY VISITED BY A RETARDED GUY. A HAPPY RETARDED GUY. WHENEVER I HAD OCCASION TO WALK BY THE BUS STOP WHEN HE WAS AROUND, HE WOULD TRY TO ENGAGE ME IN CONVERSATION. NOT THAT THAT MADE ME UNIQUE, BUT MORE THAN ONCE HE STARTED WALKING BEHIND ME IN AN EFFORT TO REMAIN IN SOME SORT OF CONVERSATION ZONE.

ONE DAY ABOUT A YEAR AGO I WAS IN A PARTICULARLY SURLY MOOD. I WAS BECOMING STRESSED ABOUT THE USUAL MATTERS. THE THINGS OVER WHICH ONE HAS NO CONTROL; THE ROOT CAUSE OF THE MOST ANGST. THE MENTALLY DEFICIENT BUS STOP RESIDENT BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF MY FOUL MOOD HURRIED TO CATCH UP TO ME. HE WAS GIGGLING AS HE NEARED AND STARTED RAMBLING ABOUT “THE PRETTY LADY WITH THE PRETTY PANTS”. HE LAUGHED HARDER THEN REPEATED THE SAME PHRASE TO HIMSELF RESULTING IN MORE LAUGHTER. HE CERTAINLY SEEMED TO FIND HIMSELF ENTERTAINING. I TOOK NOTE OF JUST HOW PLEASED HE WAS WITH HIMSELF BEFORE LAUGHING MYSELF; IT WAS CONTAGIOUS.

THEN IT HIT ME: RETARDED BUS STOP GUY, YOU ARE A FUCKING GENIUS ! THE PRETTY LADY DOES HAVE PRETTY PANTS GODDAMMIT ! HERE I AM STRESSING OVER STUFF I CANNOT CONTROL… WELL NO MORE. THAT DAY I DECIDED: FROM NOW ON I WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT THE THINGS I CAN’T CHANGE, I WILL NOT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF, I WILL JUST LET GO . I WILL TAKE TIME TO STOP AND SMELL THE DISABLED WHEN I GREET EACH NEW DAY.

I BEGAN TO REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A DEPRESSED RETARD ? I HAVEN’T; I DON’T BELIEVE THEY EXIST. MAYBE A MELANCHOLY MOGOLOID ? NO ? MOROSE MORON ? DOWNS SYNDROME SUFFERER DOWN ? OF COURSE NOT.

I HAD AN EPIPHANY. WHAT I REALLY NEEDED WAS TO SOMEHOW BECOME STUPIDER. I DEVISED A PLAN. I WOULD START AN ALL OUT ASSAULT ON MY MIND. MY STRADEGY : TO DESTROY AS MANY BRAIN CELLS AS POSSIBLE IN AN EFFORT TO ACHIEVE A STATE OF BLISS. THE METHOD ? TO CONSUME COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF DAMAGING MIND NUMBING INTOXICANTS. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT “PARTYING” OR GETTING HIGH JUST FOR FUN. NO, I MEAN A SERIOUS COMMITMENT TO A STRICT REGIMEN WITH A SPECIFIC OUTCOME AS THE STATED GOAL. THIS IS SCIENCE IN ACTION, DAMNIT.

IF, BY CHANCE, THE ILLICIT NARCOTIC SUBSTANCES WERE TO RESULT IN A SENSE OF EUPHORIA OR ACCIDENTALLY PROVIDED SOME ENJOYMENT, WELL THOSE ARE JUST SOME UNFORTUNATE SIDE EFFECTS THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE ENDURED IN THE PURSUIT OF THE GREATER GOAL.

I WONDER HOW THE SCIENTIFIC ANGLE WOULD PLAY IN A COURT OF LAW …

JUDGE: “YOU HAVE AGAIN BEEN CHARGED WITH POSSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE. HOW DO YOU PLEAD?”

ATLARGE: “YOUR HONOR, IF IT PLEASES THE COURT, I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A STATEMENT.”

JUDGE: “DESPITE THE OBVIOUS DICOMFORT AND IMMINENT OBJECTION OF COUNSEL, I’LL ALLOW IT. PROCEED WITH CAUTION, DEFENDANT.”

ATLARGE: “THANK YOU. YOUR HONOR, ESTEEMED COUNSEL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…I HAVE APPEARED IN THIS VERY COURT FACING SIMILAR CHARGES IN THE PAST. I HAVE BEEN GUILTY OF THE CHARGES BROUGHT AGAINST ME AND PLED ACCORDINGLY. I ACCEPTED RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS AND PAID MY DEBT TO SOCIETY. THIS TIME AROUND THE SCENARIO IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. I AM NOT SURE IF THE CIRCUMSTANCES COULD BE CONSIDERED “MITIGATING”, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN NONETHELESS. THE DRUGS I AM CHARGED WITH POSSESSING WERE NOT INTENDED FOR SALE. NOR WERE THEY INTENDED FOR RECREATIONAL CONSUMPTION. THE DRUGS WERE TO SERVE A HIGHER PURPOSE. I HAD PLANNED TO FOLLOW SCIENTIFIC METHODOLOGY IN A GRAND EXPERIMENT TO PROVE THE THEORY THAT INTELLIGENCE ACTS AS AN IMPEDIMENT TO HAPPINESS. THE DRUGS WERE TO KILL BRAIN CELLS THEREBY ERODING NEUROTRANSMITTERS AND PATHWAYS RESULTING WITH IMPAIRED FUNCTIONALITY AND A DECREASE IN MEASURABLE INTELLIGENCE. ONCE THE CRITICAL AND ABSTRACT THOUGHT ARE IMPAIRED THE TENDENCY TO BE SELF ANALYTICAL AND TO OVERTHINK MATTERS SHOULD DISAPPEAR THUS INCREASING THE LIKELIHOOD OF HAPPINESS.”

JUDGE: “ARE YOU QUITE FINISHED?”

ATLARGE: “YES YOUR HONOR”

JUDGE: “IN ALL MY YEARS ON THE BENCH THAT IS POSSIBLY THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.”

ATLARGE: “OH MY GOD, THAT’S GREAT”

JUDGE: “'GREAT?' WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT IS ‘GREAT’?”

ATLARGE: “DON’T YOU SEE? IF THAT’S THE STUPIDEST THING YOU’VE EVER HEARD THEN MY PLAN MUST ALREADY BE STARTING TO WORK.”

THE OFFENDER OFFERS UNSOLICITED ADVICE ON ADVICE

UPON RECEIVING ADVICE, THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR MORE OFTEN THAN NOT IS OVERLOOKED : CONTEXT. ONE SHOULD PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION TO THE SOURCE OF THE ADVICE.

DURING MY FIRST STAY IN THE HARRIS COUNTY JAIL THERE SEEMED TO BE NO LIMIT TO THE SELF-PROCLAIMED LEGAL SCHOLARS WILLING TO SPOUT ADVICE TO ALMOST ANYONE WILLING TO LISTEN ( AND AT TIMES TO THOSE UNWILLING TO LISTEN ). APPARENTLY MULTIPLE FELONY CONVICTIONS AND MULTIPLE PRISON TERMS ARE ADEQUATE SUBSTITUTES FOR LAW SCHOOL AND YEARS WORKING AS A PARALEGAL FOR A REPUTABLE LAW FIRM.

I SAW A SCARED FIRST-TIMER RELATING THE STORY OF HIS ARREST FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE THE TWELTH TIME FOR THE WEEK TO ONE OF THESE JAILHOUSE SCHOLARS. SPARING YOU THE DETAILS, THE FIRST-TIMER AND THE SCHOLAR HAD SIMILAR CASES INVOLVING A TRAFFIC STOP IN THEIR VEHICLE AND A CRACK PIPE OWNED BY THE INFAMOUS “NOT ME” CITED BY SO MANY.

THE SCHOLAR, WITH JUST THE RIGHT TONE OF RIGHTOUS INDIGNATION VOICED MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE JAIL-HOUSE QUOTE : “THEY CAN’T DO THAT” IN REFERRENCE TO THE POLICE PROCEDURE.

“THEY CAN’T DO THAT” ? GUESS WHAT F. LEE BAILEY … THEY DID IT. PERHAPS IT HAD ESCAPED YOUR KEEN POWERS OF OBSERVATION BUT YOU ARE IN JAIL, AGAIN. NOT ONLY CAN THEY DO IT, THEY DID IT. WHAT’S MORE, THEY DID IT TO YOU AGAIN. SO DESPITE PRIOR COMPARABLE EXPERIENCES AND MULTIPLE BUSTS, LAW LIBRARY MAN WAS SOMEHOW STILL UNDER THE MISGUIDED IMPRESSION THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE LAW ENFORCEMENT COMMUNITY FOLLOW THE RULES.
SCHOLAR TOLD FIRST-TIMER TO DEMAND THAT HIS PUBLIC DEFENDER FILE A MOTION REQUESTING THAT THE RESIDUE ENCRUSTED CRACK PIPE BE TESTED FOR FINGER PRINTS TO PROVE THAT EVEN THOUGH THE PIPE WAS IN FIRST TIMER’S CAR THAT HE HADN’T ACTUALLY SMOKED OUT OF IT.

“DEEPLY FLAWED LOGIC” IS THE TERM THAT COMES TO MIND WHEN CONTEMPLATING THAT LINE OF THINKING. I DIDN’T WANT TO SHOW UP JOHNNY COCHRAN SO I HELD MY TONGUE. FIRST-TIMER HAD THAT SCARED “DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS” LOOK, SO AT A MORE APPROPRIATE TIME I ASKED HIM TO CONSIDER THE SOURCE OF THE ADVICE, LEGAL SCHOLAR MAN WAS FACING HIS FOURTH SMALL-TIME, LESS THAN ONE GRAM OF CRACK, CONVICTION. I POINTED OUT THAT AS SHOCKING AS IT SOUNDS, SOME OF THESE HABITUAL OFFENDERS ARE KNOWN TO BE HABITUALLY WRONG. OTHER TIMES THEY SIMPLY LIE, JUST AS THE POLICE ARE SOMETIMES WRONG OR LYING. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, ALL OTHER POINTS BECOME MOOT BECAUSE THE LONE OCCUPANT IN THE VEHICLE CONTAINING THE CRACK PIPE IS REGARDED AS BEING IN POSSESION OF THE COCAINE RESIDUE INSIDE , NO MATTER HOW MINUSCULE THE AMOUNT AND REGARDLESS OF WHOSE PRINTS ARE ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE PIPE.

I INFORMED THE NOW LESS NAÏVE FIRST TIMER THAT I WOULD SAY NO MORE AND THAT I CERTAINLY DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT HIS CASE. I POINTED OUT THE OTHER BRILLIANT LEGAL MINDS AROUND IF HE ABSOLUTELY NEEDED TO CONTINUE TO PROCLAIM HIS INNOCENCE AND GET TIPS FROM THE BEST LEGAL MINDS ( AND COINCIDENTLY THE OTHER WRONGLY ACCUSED VICTIMS ) THIS CELL BLOCK HAD TO OFFER. THESE WERE THE GUYS GOING OVER THEIR TRAGIC STORIES OF INJUSTICE DAILY, TRYING TO CONVINCE THEMSELVES OF THEIR INNOCENCE AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE.


ADVICE ON ADVICE PART II

REMEMBER TO KEEP IN MIND THE HISTORY OF YOUR ADVISOR.

RECENTLY A FRIEND CALLED ME NEEDING SOME HELP. SPECIFICALLY HE WAS HAVING WHAT HE CONSIDERED A “DRUG PROBLEM”. HE STATED THAT HE WAS SMOKING TOO MUCH CRACK AND HE REALLY HATED HOW THINGS WERE GOING. FIRST I ASKED IF HE HAD LOST HIS JOB OR A GIRL OVER IT. HE HADN’T. SO, “WHAT IS THE ISSUE”?, I ASKED. HE SAID THAT EACH TIME, ON THE DAY FOLLOWING A CRACK SMOKING BINGE HE FELT TERRIBLE ABOUT HIMSELF. I INQUIRED, “HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU’RE SMOKING THE CRACK ? I MEAN DO YOU LIKE IT, OR IS IT A SHITTY EXPERIENCE AS WELL” ?

MY FRIEND ADMITTED HE DIDN’T REALLY LIKE THE FEELING WHILE HE WAS DOING IT EITHER. “SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT; YOU DON’T LIKE HOW YOU FEEL WHEN YOU DO IT AND YOU FEEL COMPLETELY MISERABLE THE NEXT DAY AND SWEAR IT OFF BUT LATER THAT NIGHT YOU ARE DOING IT AGAIN ? YOU DON’T LIKE IT BUT YOU CAN’T STOP WHICH MAKES YOU FEEL EVEN WORSE YET ?”. HE STATED THAT WAS THE EXACT PATTERN.

REMEMBER, WHO IS BEING ASKED FOR ADVICE HERE…

“SINCE YOU DON’T LIKE IT BUT CAN’T STOP AND FEEL EVEN WORSE BECAUSE YOU DO IT AGAIN, MY ADVICE WOULD BE AS FOLLOWS : ENOUGH WITH THE SELF LOATHING, PAIN, AND FRUSTRATING FUTILE FEEBLE ATTEMPTS TO QUIT. I WOULD SUGGEST FINDING A WAY TO MAKE THE SITUATION MORE PALATABLE. PERSONALLY, I CAN’T HANDLE SHOOTING COKE OR SMOKING CRACK, IT’S A NIGHTMARE. THAT STUFF DRIVES ME CRAZY. UNLESS, OF COURSE I HAVE ALREADY DONE ENOUGH HEROIN, IN WHICH CASE IT FEELS GREAT. NOW DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’M CERTAINLY NOT SUGGESTING THAT YOU GET ON HEROIN, BUT GET A SUPPLY OF DOWNERS PRIOR TO STARTING WITH THE CRACK. I WOULD SUGGEST XANAX AT LEAST. I THINK YOU WOULD HAVE A MUCH BETTER TIME SMOKING ROCK THAT WAY. SHIT, YOU STILL HAVE A JOB AND A GIRLFRIEND, THINGS AREN’T THAT BAD. NOW STOP TORTURING YOURSELF AND FIND A LEVEL OF ACCEPTANCE AND MAKE CRACK MORE FUN.”

I SINCERELY THOUGHT THIS WAS GOOD ADVICE BASED ON SOUND LOGIC AND PERSONAL EXPERIENCE BUT HAVE BEEN INFORMED BY MANY THAT I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON. ADJECTIVES SUCH AS “AWFUL” AND “EVIL” AND “PATHETICALLY IRRESPONSIBLE” WERE BANDIED ABOUT .

TO ALL THAT FEEL COMPELLED TO JUDGE; THE NAME CALLERS, THE SECOND GUESSERS, THOSE THAT THINK THEMSELVES SUPERIOR… I OFFER THIS FACT : THE SUBJECT OF THIS ANECDOTE, MY FRIEND, IS NO LONGER SMOKING CRACK. NATURALLY I AM IN NO WAY SUGGESTING THAT MY ASTUTE EVALUATION OF THE SITUATION AND SUBSEQUENT WORDS OF WISDOM WERE THE DECIDING FACTORS LEADING TO CHANGE.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I DIDN’T END UP MAKING MATTERS WORSE, WHICH APPARENTLY WAS THE EXPECTATION OF MANY.

THE BOTTOM LINE … KEEP IN MIND THE SOURCE OF THOSE PURPORTED “WORDS OF WISDOM” BEFORE ACTING ON THEM. ADDITIONALLY, WHEN THE OFFENDER IS THE VOICE OF REASON … BEWARE.

WILL THE OFFENDER GET INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO ?

RECENTLY I WATCHED AN EPISODE OF "INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO" THAT FEATURED DAVE CHAPELLE AS THE GUEST. I BELIEVE HE SHOULD FEEL QUITE FORTUNATE SINCE HE IS NOT GENERALLY REGARDED AS A MASTER THESPIAN. MORE EVIDENCE OF THE HIGH ESTEEM IN WHICH HE IS HELD BY THE NEW SCHOOL UNIVERSITY PEOPLE (OR WHOEVER IS IN CHARGE OF BOOKING THE SHOW) WAS REVEALED BY THE FACT THAT HE WAS ALLOWED TO SMOKE CIGARETTES ON CAMERA THROUGHOUT THE INTERVIEW. I BEGAN TO WONDER: HOW IMPORTANT DOES ONE HAVE TO BECOME BEFORE “ON- AIR” SMOKING IS ALLOWED ? FURTHERMORE, WHAT WOULD I PERSONALLY HAVE TO ACHIEVE AS A PRE-REQUISITE FOR SUCH AN HONOR ? EVIDENTLY THE DECISION IS NOT BASED ON ACTING ABILITY IF DAVE CHAPELLE IS ANY INDICATOR.

I AM CURIOUS BECAUSE I HAVE NOW DECIDED THAT I WISH TO APPEAR ON THE SHOW. NOT ONLY IS IT A NEW GOAL OF MINE TO APPEAR, BUT I INTEND TO SMOKE AS WELL. ADDITIONALLY, I HAVE BEEN SPENDING A FAIR AMOUNT OF TIME REVIEWING THE RECURRING QUESTIONS JAMES LIPTON ASKS AND I AM CAREFULLY CONTEMPLATING MY RESPONSES.

AFTER REVIEWING SEVERAL EPISODES, "INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO" SEEMS TO HAVE AN EXCELLENT RESEARCH STAFF. SUBJECTS OFTEN LOOK GENUINELY SURPRISED WHEN MR. LIPTON BRINGS UP A LONG FORGOTTEN FAILED SITCOM PILOT IN WHICH THE GUEST MADE AN UN-BILLED APPEARANCE AS AN EXTRA. I AM PREPARING MYSELF FOR ANY POTENTIALLY EMBARRASSING MATERIAL THE RESEARCHERS MIGHT UNCOVER.

MORE IMPORTANTLY I SHOULD CONSIDER UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES, IF ANY, WOULD IT BE ACCEPTABLE FOR ME TO LET A TEAR OR TWO SLIP FROM THE CORNER OF MY EYE. GIVEN MY CAREFULLY CRAFTED PERSONA, OUTRIGHT CRYING IS ALTOGETHER OUT OF THE QUESTION, BUT A SINGLE TEAR ROLLING DOWN MY CHEEK AT JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT MIGHT WORK.

I SUPPOSE ONCE I HAVE DEFINED THE ACCEPTABLE EMOTIONAL PARAMETERS AND FORMULATED THE PERFECT ANSWERS TO THE USUAL QUESTIONS, I SHOULD WORK ON FIGURING OUT WHY I SHOULD BE ON THE SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE AND WHAT I CAN DO TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

IN THE MEANTIME, I’LL PRACTICE BEING INTERVIEWED … I IMAGINE IT MIGHT GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

JAMES LIPTON: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD ?

AT LARGE: MY FAVORITE WORD… HHMMMM… WELL JAMES, IF I MAY CALL YOU JAMES, I’D HAVE TO SAY I'M QUITE FOND OF USING THE WORD "WORD". OF COURSE WHEN I SAY “WORD” I AM REFERRING TO THE WAY IT’S USED COLLOQUIALLY, AS PART OF PRISON/GHETTO SLANG OR AS PART OF THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN/HIP-HOP VERNACULAR.

JL: WHY THAT PARTICULAR “WORD“, IF I MAY ASK ?(looking immensely pleased with himself)

AL: BECAUSE IT'S SO DAMN VERSATILE, DEPENDING ON ONE'S TONE OR
INFLECTION IT CAN MEAN MANY DIFFERENT THINGS. FOR EXAMPLE: I
COULD SAY "WORD" TO MEAN, IN EFFECT, "I CONCUR" OR “AGREED”... OR I'LL SAY
"WORD" WITH SLIGHTLY MORE FORCE BEHIND IT, MEANING "RIGHT ON" OR "WORD?", IN AN INQUIRING TONE LIKE "REALLY”. YOU SEE?, IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW I SAY IT.

JL: I SEE...(eyebrows arched, looking toward audience)

AL: SHIT... IT JUST OCCURED TO ME, I KNOW THIS IS A BIT UNORTHODOX,
BUT I'D REALLY LIKE TO AMMEND MY ANSWER.

JL: EXCUSE ME ?

AL: SINCE THE USE OF THE WORD "WORD", IN THE WAY I WAS USING IT,
DEPENDS SO MUCH ON INFLECTION AND TONE AND IN WHAT CONTEXT IT‘S BEING USED, I'D LIKE TO CLARIFY MY ANSWER BY SAYING "WORD" IS MY FAVORITE SPOKEN WORD. WRITTEN, I MEAN ON THE PAGE, UN-ITALICIZED, NOT UNDERLINED, I SUPPOSE IT WOULDN'T HAVE THE SAME DEPTH OR CONVEY THE INTENDED MEANING. IT WOULD BE RATHER ORDINARY, OR EVEN CONFUSING.

JL: O.K. ... GENERALLY SPEAKING …. NO, LET ME RE-PHRASE THAT…IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW, WE'VE NEVER HAD THIS PARTICULAR QUESTION AS A TWO-PARTER, BUT I’M GAME, AT LARGE, WHAT THEN IS YOUR FAVORITE WRITTEN WORD ?

AL: WOW... GOOD QUESTION... LET ME THINK... I'D HAVE TO SAY... I DON'T
KNOW, "FACETIOUS" MAYBE.

APPARENTLY, IN ADDITION TO GOOD INTENTIONS, THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH MILDLY AMUSING ESSAYS
THE OFFENDER’S GIRLFRIEND IS STARTING TO FEAR FOR HIS ETERNAL SOUL AFTER READING THIS WORK IN PROGRESS

LOCAL PRIESTS’ GROUP MASS DEBATE

CATHOLIC PRIESTS IN MY AREA WERE HAVING MAJOR DISAGREEMENTS REGARDING THE METHODS USED TO DELIVER CHURCH DOCTRINE. EVERYONE SEEMED TO HAVE A DIFFERING OPINION REGARDING HOW BEST TO PERFORM MASS. FATHER DONALLY WANTED TO MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT TO REACH OUT TO THE YOUTH WHILE FATHER SULLIVAN WAS PART OF THE OLD GUARD, THE GUYS DOING THE LITURGY IN LATIN AND FATHER LIMA WAS OF THE OPINION THAT THE KIDS WOULD ENJOY THE FOLK SINGING NUNS FROM THE ST. CATHERINE’S SCHOOL.

I SPOKE TO FR. DONALLY WHO TOLD ME SEVERAL PRIESTS FROM SURROUNDING PARISHES PLANNED TO MEET AT THE ST. THOMAS RECTORY TO DISCUSS THEIR OPPOSING POSITIONS. THEY WOULD EACH MAKE THEIR CASE AND ARGUE VARIOUS POINTS HOPING TO REACH SOME KIND OF ACCORD.

ON THE DESIGNATED DAY I WENT TO ST. THOMAS’S AND WITNESSED SOME OF THE PROCEEDINGS. MRS. O’REILLY HEARD THAT I HAD BEEN PRESENT AND WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HAD TAKEN PLACE. UNFORTUNATELY, I THINK SHE MISUNDERSTOOD MOST OF WHAT I TOLD HER…

I SAID, “ALL THE AREA PRIESTS GOT TOGETHER WITH SOME PARISHONERS AND THEIR FAMILIES TO HAVE A GROUP MASS DEBATE.”

SHE SEEMED TAKEN ABACK, “A GROUP WHAT ?”, SHE STAMMERED.

“IN LIGHT OF RECENT EVENTS, THE PRIESTS BECAME MASS DEBATERS. YOU KNOW, A GROUP MASS DEBATE.”

“WERE THERE CHILDREN PRESENT ?”, SHE ASKED.

“OH YES, SEVERAL.”

“THAT’S JUST HORRIBLE.”

I REPLIED, “I DON’T THINK SO, QUITE THE CONTRARY. THE YOUNG PEOPLE SEEMED TO REALLY INSPIRE SOME OF THE PRIESTS.”

“WHAT … YOU WERE THERE ?”, MRS. O’REILLY WAS LOOKING CONFUSED.

SHE WAS STARTING TO CONFUSE ME, “I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT I STOPPED BY.”

“WHY … WHY WERE YOU THERE ?”, AGAIN WITH THE STAMMERING.

I SAID, “I WAS ASKED IF I MIGHT LEND A HAND, BUT I DECLINED, STATING THAT I WAS JUST THERE TO WATCH.”

“OH MY GOD …”, HER EYES GROWING WIDER .

“WHAT ?”, I WONDERED WHAT WAS GOING ON IN HER HEAD .

“WHAT DID YOU SEE ?”, SHE ASKED, LOOKING LIKE SHE WAS TASTING A LEMON.

“OH THEY WERE REALLY GOING AT IT. IT WAS REALLY HEATED FOR AWHILE. I DIDN’T REALIZE THEY STILL HAD THAT KIND OF PASSION. I ASKED FATHER DONALLY ABOUT THEIR PROGRESS AND HE SAID THEY WERE WILLING TO GO AT IT ALL NIGHT IF NECESSARY. ALSO, HE SAID HE THOUGHT THAT AS LONG AS THEY KEPT THE CHILDREN IN MIND HE WAS CONFIDENT THAT THEY WOULD EVENTUALLY COME TOGETHER.”

ASHEN, SHE BLURTED, “K-KIDS…I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS.”

“WHAT ? THE KIDS ARE WHAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT. I’M GLAD THE KIDS WERE IN THE ROOM. DO YOU THINK THE PRIESTS WOULD’VE BEEN ABLE TO KEEP IT UP FOR AS LONG AS THEY DID IF THEY WEREN’T ABLE TO LOOK AT THOSE INNOCENT FACES FOR INSPIRATION. I THINK IT REALLY HELPED THEM TO KEEP FOCUSED.” I ADDED, “AND WHO KNOWS, THE KIDS MIGHT HAVE ENJOYED IT. I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED IF WE GOT SOME NEW ALTAR BOYS AFTER SEEING THOSE PRIESTS AS EXCITED MASS DEBATERS.”

VISIBLY SHAKEN AND TEMPORARILY UNABLE TO RECALL WHERE SHE HAD PARKED HER CAR, MRS. O’REILLY RAN OFF.

THE OFFENDER ASKS…
ISN’T IT MORONIC ?

WHILE FLIPPING THROUGH THE CHANNELS I CRINGE AS I PASS VH1 INFLICTING A DECADE OLD ALANIS MORRISETTE VIDEO ON THE MASSES. IT’S THAT HORRID “ISN’T IT IRONIC” SINGLE. UNFORTUNATELY IT ONLY TAKES A SPLIT SECOND OF INSIDIOUS PAP LIKE THAT AND MY MIND BECOMES CORRUPTED.

IT STANDS TO REASON THAT DURING THE CONCEPTION, WRITING, REHEARSING, RECORDING, MIXING, PROMOTING, AND PERFORMING OF THE SONG IN QUESTION THERE MUST HAVE BEEN AT LEAST SEVERAL HUNDRED THOUSAND OPPORTUNITIES FOR SOMEONE -- ANYONE -- TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND POINT OUT TO MS. MORRISETTE WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATE TO LABEL SOMETHING AS IRONIC.

MAYBE I’M BEING TOO MUCH OF A PURIST IN MY NARROW INTERPRETATION OF THE TERM. PERHAPS I SHOULD CUT HER SOME SLACK: SHE IS, AFTER ALL, A CANADIAN. AS PERVASIVE AS IRONY HAS BECOME IN TODAY’S SOCIETY, THE CONCEPT IS MISUNDERSTOOD BY A GREAT MANY IN THE UNITED STATES, THE SITUATION COULD BE EVEN WORSE NORTH OF THE BORDER.

A FEW YEARS AGO, WHILE INCARCERATED IN A TEXAS PRISON, I RECALL HAVING A CONVERSATION WHEREIN I MENTIONED THAT I WAS ABLE TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY ATTITUDE DUE TO MY ABILITY TO FIND HUMOR IN JUST ABOUT ANY SITUATION. I SAID THAT I WAS ON A CONSTANT LOOKOUT FOR IRONY. MY CELLMATE, GOD BLESS HIM, TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY IF MY CLOTHES WERE LAUNDERED WITH DETERGENT AND THAT I WOULD JUST
HAVE TO LIVE WITH WRINKLED SHIRTS BECAUSE THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO “IRONY” GOING ON DOWN IN THE LAUNDRY.

BUT I DIGRESS: EVERYTHING I CAN REMEMBER BEING DESCRIBED IN THAT
AWFUL TUNE I WOULD CHARACTERIZE AS BEING NOTHING MORE THAN DISAPPOINTING. ALLOWING FOR PLENTY OF INTERPRETIVE LEEWAY, I
SUPPOSE IT’S CONCEIVABLE THAT SOME OF THE LYRICAL SCENARIOS DEPICTED MIGHT QUALIFY FOR AN ADJECTIVE SUCH AS UNFORTUNATE, BUT I CAN RECALL NONE THAT MEET THE CRITERIA NECESSARY TO BE APPROPRIATELY LABELED "IRONIC". “LIKE RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY”? WELL THAT’S TOO BAD, ALANIS, HOWEVER IT MIGHT BE MORE IRONIC IF YOUR GROOM IN THE SONG WAS THE LOCAL WEATHERMAN.

WITH THAT IN MIND, THE NEXT CHANNEL I HAPPEN UPON IS BROADCASTING ONE OF THOSE HALF-HOUR COMMERCIALS FOR THE SHARPER IMAGE'S "IONIC BREEZE". I THINK IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN AIR PURIFIER OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES. IT WOULD BE QUITE AN UNDERSTATEMENT TO POINT OUT THAT I AM NOT A FAN OF THE INFOMERCIAL, BUT I UNDERSTAND HOW IT MIGHT TAKE AN ENTIRE HALF HOUR TO EXPLAIN WHY ANYONE SHOULD BE WILLING TO PAY $349.94 FOR AN AIR PURIFIER. ESPECIALLY SINCE THE THING HAS NONE OF THE USUAL PARTS THAT MIGHT BE THOUGHT OF AS POTENTIALLY EXPENSIVE. PARTS LIKE A MOTOR OR FAN OR OBVIOUS SOURCE OF POWER. I DON'T KNOW, I COULD BE WRONG; MAYBE IT'S WORTH FAR MORE THAN $350 TO HARNESS THE MAGICAL POWER OF THE ION.

I HAD AN AIR PURIFIER/SMOKE-EATER THAT I HAD PURCHASED AT ONE OF THE LARGE DISCOUNT RETAILERS LAST YEAR FOR $39. IT HAD AN "IONIZER" BUTTON ON IT (THE MAGIC ION AGAIN) BUT HAD RELIED ON ELECTRICITY TO POWER IT. I PRESUME THE UNSIGHTLY CORD, THE "WHISPER" FAN, AND IT'S DECIDEDLY NON-FUTURISTIC RELIANCE ON ELECTRICITY NECESSITATED THE ASKING PRICE OF ABOUT $300 LESS THAN THAT OF THE IONIC BREEZE.

THAT BANAL ALANIS MORRISETTE SONG KEPT BOUNCING AROUND INSIDE MY SKULL AND ABOUT THE FORTY-NINTH TIME THAT I THOUGHT I HEARD THE CHORUS REPEAT, I BEGAN THINKING THAT WHAT THE SHARPER IMAGE SHOULD PRODUCE AND MARKET IS AN "IRONIC BREEZE". A HIGH-TECH GIZMO THAT WOULD EMPLOY SPACE-AGE TECHNOLOGY TO REMOVE ALL IRONY FROM A ROOM. JUST THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES... GRANDPARENTS COULD ONCE AGAIN UNDERSTAND WHAT KIDS ARE REALLY TALKING ABOUT. THE TRENDY COULD PUT DOWN THEIR TRUCKER HATS. HIPSTERS WOULD BE FREE OF THE BURNING NEED FOR A "VINTAGE" FOGHAT 3/4 SLEEVE CONCERT T-SHIRT.

OF COURSE, SOONER OR LATER THE CHEAPER IMITATIONS WOULD START TO POP UP, BUT THE SHARPER IMAGE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SYNONYMOUS WITH QUALITY (EITHER THAT OR IT'S BEEN SYNONYMOUS WITH OVERPRICED, COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY MERCHANDISE, I FORGET).

I CAN ALMOST SEE IT NOW… THE FINANCIALLY COMPENSATED CELEBRITY ENDORSER PITCHING ENTHUSIASTICALLY:
"ONLY 'THE SHARPER IMAGE IRONIC BREEZE' CAN OFFER YOU SEPARATE CYNICISM REDUCTION AS WELL AS SARCASM ERADICATION
CONTROLS".

HERE’S AN INSPIRED IDEA: PERHAPS ALANIS MORRISETTE COULD SIGN AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL, BECOME THE FACE OF AN AD CAMPAIGN AND PITCH THE PRODUCT IN COMMERCIALS. SHE SEEMS TO BE QUITE THE EXPERT WHEN IT COMES TO IRONY.

THE OFFENDER ASKS: IS NELLY GAY ?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST: IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT NELLY IS A HOMOSEXUAL. I’M TALKING ABOUT CORNELL “NELLY” HAYNES, JR., THE RAPPER THAT PUT ST. LOUIS ON THE HIP-HOP MAP. I’M JUST SAYING, MOST OF THE WORLD DEFINES NELLY AS AN ADJECTIVE DESCRIBING EFFEMINATE MANNERISMS, USUALLY IN REFERENCE TO HOMOSEXUALS. THE RAP WORLD HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN TO BE QUITE HOMOPHOBIC. ON PLANET HIP HOP HOMOPHOBIA EXISTS IN MUCH THE SAME WAY AS GRAVITY EXISTS ON PLANET EARTH : IT’S PRESENCE WAS LONG AGO DISCOVERED AND IS OLD NEWS, THEREFORE IT IS COMPLETELY UNECESSARY TO MENTION, LET ALONE DISCUSS.

IT IS REASONABLE TO CONCLUDE THAT LONG AGO SOMEONE WOULD HAVE MENTIONED THE CONNOTATIONS THAT GO ALONG WITH CALLING ONE’S SELF NELLY. IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE SCENE IS SO HOMOPHOBIC THAT ONE CAN’T EVEN ADMIT TO KNOWING WHAT NELLY MEANS ? THAT WOULD BE SILLY -- NELLY IS A FAIRLY COMMON TERM, IT’S NOT LIKE EXPLAINING TO SOMEONE WHAT FELCHING IS ALL ABOUT. ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING. PERHAPS MR. HAYNES WAS MAKING A CONSCIOUS STATEMENT TO ALL OF HIS CLOSETED BRETHREN WHEN HE DECIDED HE WANTED EVERYONE TO CALL HIM NELLY. IT WOULD BE EASIER TO TELL THE INTENT IF HE HUNG OUT WITH THE LIKES OF SIR-FIST-A-LOT OR IF HIS CREW HAD NAMES LIKE BUTCH, SWISHY AND FLAMER, BUT THIS IS NOT THE CASE.

LET‘S FACE FACTS HERE: HE IS A BIT OF A PRETTY BOY. YOU WOULDN’T THINK
THERE WOULD BE ROOM IN THE HIP-HOP WORLD FOR THE METROSEXUAL, BUT NELLY IS THE EMBODIMENT OF THE TERM. HE IS ALWAYS PERFECTLY PUT TOGETHER AND IMPECCABLY WELL GROOMED. BY WELL GROOMED I MEAN IT LOOKS LIKE HE GETS HIS NAILS DONE REGULARLY -- NOT GANGSTA BY ANY DEFINITION.

A FEW YEARS BACK HE DID A DUET WITH ONE OF THOSE DESTINY’S CHILD BROADS ( KELLY ROWLAND ) OVER A PATTI LABELLE SAMPLE. I KNOW IT’S NOT EXACTLY SINGING WITH CHER OVER A PETER ALLEN SONG, OR TEAMING UP WITH BARBARA STRIESAND FOR A VILLAGE PEOPLE COVER, BUT YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND THAT HE IS, IN ALL LIKELIHOOD, TRYING TO BE SUBTLE. THINK ABOUT IT: IF HIS SECRET GOT OUT HE WOULD MOST ASSUREDLY ALIENATE HIS CORE DEMOGRAPHIC. DESTINY’S CHILD PLUS PATTI LABELLE AT LEAST ALLOWS HIM TO SEND A HINT THAT HE’S ON THE DOWN LOW.

FORGET ABOUT THE MUSIC CONTEXT, BEING GAY GENERALLY DOESN’T GO OVER TOO WELL IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY. OF COURSE THERE ARE WAYS AROUND IT. I’M JUST TALKING FROM MY EXPERIENCE WHEN I SAY THAT I HAVE KNOWN GUYS THAT DON’T CONSIDER THEMSELVES QUEER BECAUSE THEY ARE PITCHING, NOT CATCHING. SERIOUSLY. ALSO I’VE KNOWN GUYS THAT “ONLY FUCK WITH PUNKS” WHEN THEY ARE LOCKED UP. BY THE WAY, THAT COMMENT FROM A MAN SERVING A SENTENCE OF ONLY TWO YEARS. HEY, WHATEVER LETS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT : “IT’S ONLY WHEN I’M LOCKED UP, I’M NOT TAKING IT, I LIKE GIRLS BETTER, I WAS YOUNG AND DRUNK, NOBODY TOLD ME WHAT NELLY MEANS”.

TO SOME, THE IDEA OF A MAJOR PLAYER IN THE RAP UNIVERSE BEING HOMOSEXUAL IS COMPLETELY INCONGRUOUS. TO THOSE HAVING A HARD TIME IMAGINING IT, REMEMBER A FELLOW BY THE NAME OF ROB HALFORD? YOU KNOW, THE LEAD SINGER OF ’80S METAL GODS JUDAS PRIEST ? MANY ANGSTY TEENAGE BOYS WHO REFERRED TO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING THEY DEEMED UNCOOL AS “GAY” AND ANYONE UNCOOL AS A “FAG” HAD THEIR WORLDS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN WHEN ROB FINALLY “OFFICIALLY” CAME OUT.

FURTHERMORE, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY NELLY ALSO DID THE SONG “AIR FORCE ONES”, A SONG ABOUT THE DESIRE TO OWN MULTIPLE PAIRS OF A SPECIFIC TYPE OF SHOE. HMMM …

I’M NOT PROPOSING ANY OF THESE THINGS ALONE ARE EVIDENCE OF HOMOSEXUALITY, BUT TAKING EVERYTHING INTO ACCOUNT, I’M SIMPLY SAYING DON’T BE SURPRISED IF NELLY COMES OUT AS THE FIRST BIG-TIME, MAINSTREAM GAY RAPPER.

MORE LIKELY THOUGH, GIVEN THE ANTI-GAY VIBE THAT PERMEATES URBAN MUSIC IN GENERAL AND RAP IN PARTICULAR, HE COULD BE PHOTOGRAPHED DEEP THROATING HIS DJ AND STILL DENY HE’S GAY. RICKY MARTIN STILL SAYS HE’S STRAIGHT, DOESN’T HE ?

THE OFFENDER IMAGINES JESUS
CHRIST AS HIP HOP’S SAVIOR

JESUS CHRIST AT THE SOURCE AWARDS, ACCEPTING BEST RAP ALBUM HONORS…

"WOW, THIS WIN WAS UNEXPECTED ... NO, REALLY, I MEAN IT ... WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I'M SURPRISED BY SOMETHING ? ANYWAY ... FIRST, I'D LIKE TO THANK MYSELF. THROUGH ME ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I APPRECIATE ALL THE SHOUT-OUTS TO ME AT LAST YEAR'S SHOW AND I THANK EVERY ONE OF YOU FOR IT.

I'D LIKE TO THANK MY MANAGEMENT TEAM : SAUL RUEBENSTEIN, SUE HOROWITZ, MORTY ZUCKERMAN AND AARON WEISMAN. I HAD HEARD RUMORS THAT YOU GUYS NEVER BELIEVED IN ME, SO I'M REALLY HAPPY I'M STILL WITH YOU. I KNOW WE HAVE OUR DIFFERENCES, BUT I REMEMBER THE OLD DAYS WHEN WE USED TO ALL HANG TOGETHER IN THE OLD NEIGHBOORHOOD. SOME SAID YOU WERE JUST LETTING ME HANG AROUND BECAUSE OF WHO MY FATHER WAS, BUT I KNOW BETTER ...

SOME OF Y'ALL LOOKED SURPRISED WHEN YOU SAW THAT I WASN'T BLACK, AND NOW YOU HEAR ME CALLING OUT MY BIG JEW HOMIES. IT'S ALRIGHT, I GET IT ALL THE TIME. I NEVER TRIED TO BE ANYTHING I'M NOT. I KNOW SOME THOUGHT I WAS TRIPPIN' WHEN I PROCLAIMED MYSELF TO BE THE SON OF GOD. SOME SAID I HAD TAKEN BOASTING TO A WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL, OTHERS THOUGHT I WAS STEALING MATERIAL FROM NAS. I'M JUST TRYING TO KEEP IT REAL, YOU KNOW ? YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT. I MEAN, SOME OF YOU THINK TUPAC IS STILL ALIVE AND HE'S GONNA MAKE A COMEBACK. TRUST ME , HE'S DEAD AND HE AIN'T COMING BACK. I'M THE ONLY RAPPER AROUND WITH THE SKILL TO MAKE THAT KIND OF COMEBACK.

A LOT OF RUMORS HAVE BEEN MAKING THE ROUNDS IN REFERENCE TO THE BEEF BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE HOLY GHOST. TONIGHT I'VE BEEN HEARING ALL SORTS OF STORIES. SEVERAL FOLKS INSIST THAT THEY'VE SEEN HIM HERE TONIGHT AND THAT HE'S STRAPPED. FIRST OF ALL, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM TONIGHT, BUT IF HE'S HERE I DOUBT THAT HE'S PACKING - SECURITY IS PRETTY TIGHT. BESIDES, WE DO OUR BATTLING OLD SCHOOL : ON THE MIC. I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH HIM, I THINK HE FEELS LIKE HE'S NOT GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION. EARLY ON WE HAD DISCUSSED THE FACT THAT I WAS GETTING MOST OF THE PRAISE. HE SAID HE WAS OKAY WITH IT -- HE WOULD BE LIKE CHAD HUGO : AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE NEPTUNES' SUCCESS, BUT INVISIBLE WHEN COMPARED TO PHARRELL. NOW, ALL THESE YEARS LATER, I'M NOT SO SURE HE'S HAPPY BEING INVISIBLE.

DESPITE THE RUMORED PROBLEMS WITH THE HOLY GHOST, MY HUGELY SUCCESSFUL SOLO CAREER, AND EVEN WITH MY LONG LAY-OFF, THE HOLY TRINITY HAS NOT -- I REPEAT -- HAS NOT BROKEN UP.

LATELY IT SEEMS THAT STREET CRED HAS BECOME MORE OF AN ISSUE THAN TALENT, WHICH IS REALLY A SHAME. EVEN I HAVE COME UNDER ATTACK FOR NOT BEING "HARD" ENOUGH. I'D RATHER LISTEN TO SOMEONE WITH SKILLS THAN A THUG WITH WEAK FLOW. JAY-Z IS NO CRIMINAL, HE'S A BUSINESSMAN. TUPAC WENT TO A PERFORMING ARTS HIGH SCHOOL; HOW GANGSTA IS THAT ? 50 CENT DID NOT GET SHOT NINE TIMES. HE WAS IN ONE SHOOTING, ON THE RECEIVING END. UNFORTUNATELY HE WAS HIT WITH NINE BULLETS, BUT IT WAS ONE INCIDENT. IT'S USUALLY A GOOD CAREER MOVE IN OUR BUSINESS. AS FOR MYSELF, I WISH I HAD BEEN SHOT. CRUCIFICTION IS TOO MUCH TO SUFFER FOR SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T HELP ONE'S IMAGE MUCH. I TAKE THAT BACK... THE CRUCIFICTION I ENDURED IS A HUGE PART OF MY IMAGE, IT'S JUST THAT IT DOESN'T BOOST ONE'S STREET CREDIBILITY. NOT LIKE DOING TIME OR GETTING SHOT. OK, I WILL ADMIT I DID GET A HUMUNGOUS AMOUNT OF PRESS OUT OF THE DEAL BUT I THINK IT WAS MORE FOR WHAT I DID AFTERWARD. 50 MAY HAVE CAUGHT NINE SLUGS BUT I DIDN'T EVEN LET MY OWN DEATH STOP ME. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING ? UNTIL SOMEBODY HAS KILLED YOU, DON'T QUESTION HOW HARD I AM. AS A MATTER OF FACT, ALL YOU PUNKS OUT THERE BUMPING YOUR GUMS, TALKING SMACK, WHY DON'T YOU WAIT THREE DAYS AFTER YOUR OWN MURDER, COME BACK FROM THE DEAD, AND THEN CALL ME "SOFT".

AT THE SAME TIME, SOME OF THE MORE SENSITIVE TYPES OUT THERE HAVE INSINUATED THAT I USED TO BE A PIMP BECAUSE OF THE COMPANY I KEEP. I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO PUT HER NAME OUT THERE, BUT SHE'S NOT A HO. AND IF SHE'S NO HO, THEN HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN A PIMP ?

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T COME HERE TO PREACH... SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'T HELP IT, YOU KNOW ?

I WANNA SEND A SHOUT OUT TO KANYE WEST. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WRITING A SONG IN RESPONSE TO HIS "JESUS WALKS". I'LL CALL IT "JESUS RIDES SHOTGUN IN KANYE'S BENTLEY". I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT A SONG ABOUT ME CAN HELP SELL EIGHT MILLION CD'S, BUT IT MAKES ME WONDER HOW MUCH MONEY I COULD MAKE OFF A SONG ABOUT KANYE WEST. I'D PROBABLY STILL BE WALKING, HUH ? SO KANYE: FEEL FREE TO CUT ME A CHECK, OK ?

OH, BEFORE I FORGET, I'VE GOTTA THANK MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER. ACTUALLY, BOTH OF MY FATHERS. EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER IS. EVEN THOUGH HE'S IN HEAVEN, I FEEL LIKE HE'S WATCHING OVER ME TONIGHT. I HOPE I'VE MADE YOU PROUD TONIGHT, DAD. I CONSIDER THE MAN WHO RAISED ME TO BE MY DAD AS WELL. EVEN AFTER I FOUND OUT WHO MY REAL FATHER WAS YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. MOST MEN WOULD BE INTIMIDATED, GIVEN HOW FAMOUS MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER WAS, AND STILL IS, BUT YOU WERE UNAFRAID. YOU RAISED ME LIKE YOUR OWN SON AND I THANK YOU FOR IT.

MY MOM ? WHAT CAN I SAY ? I GUESS I'LL ALWAYS BE A MAMA'S BOY, BUT THEN AGAIN, EVERYONE LOVES MY MOM. SOMETIMES I THINK SHE'S JUST AS FAMOUS AS I AM. PEOPLE REALLY ADORE HER. I'VE BEEN SOME PLACES WHERE -- I'M NOT LYING -- SHE IS WORSHIPPED . SHE'S BIGGER THAN MADONNA. ANYWAY, I LOVE YOU MA.
LAST, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I HAVE TO THANK ALL OF MY FANS OUT THERE. NOBODY HAS BETTER FANS THAN I. WELL, MAYBE MOHAMMED'S ARE MORE COMMITTED, BUT I WOULDN'T TRADE YOU GUYS FOR ANYTHING. I'LL BE HONEST, DURING MY YEARS AWAY FROM THE BUSINESS, I REALLY CONSIDERED GIVING IT ALL UP. I DIDN'T KNOW IF ANYBODY WOULD CARE IF I MADE A COMEBACK, LIKE I HAD BEEN FORGOTTEN, BUT YOU GUYS NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING IN ME, DID YOU ? I FELT LIKE MY FATHER HAD SOME KIND OF PLAN FOR ME AND THAT I HADN'T ACCOMPLISHED EVERYTHING YET, BUT IT WAS YOUR FAITH IN ME THAT GOT ME BACK IN THE GAME. OF COURSE, WITH A PAST LIKE MINE, THERE WAS A TON OF PRESSURE ON ME TO DELIVER SOMETHING AMAZING. WE ALL HAVE OUR CROSS TO BEAR AND MINE IS THE CRUSHING WEIGHT OF EXPECTATION. WELL, THIS TIME IT'S A FIGURATIVE CROSS AT LEAST. I FIGURED IT WOULD BE A MIRACLE IF I WAS ABLE TO DELIVER SOMETHING THAT LIVED UP TO THE HYPE. TONIGHT, WITH THIS AWARD, YOU'VE GIVEN ME VALIDATION. I FEEL LIKE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS ALL WRAPPED UP IN ONE, MY CAREER IS BACK FROM THE DEAD, RESURRECTED BY PEOPLE THAT BELIEVE IN ME. I HAVE FAITH THAT I WILL CONTINUE TO ASCEND TO NEW HEIGHTS. HOW HIGH ? GOD ONLY KNOWS, BUT I DO THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL, GOODNIGHT.”